Third Time No Charm

As we began our journey we knew there could be bumps along the road, but we never anticipated as many bumps as we have encountered thus far. We have officially been active on the adoption wait list since May and within that time we’ve been presented with three potential matches that have all been unsuccessful, primarily due to the birth mothers selecting to parent. Not to say that we are not happy that the babies can stay with their mother, but the experience of going through one potential match, can really be an emotional drain, not to mention multiplying that by three. The first potential match that was presented to us was disappointing since the birth mother picked a family that already had a child. We felt that this was unfair since one would think that the agency would present parents with similar situations and that the birth mother would then give preference to a couple with no children. That is not quite how it works, I guess. However, in the end it turned out for the better that we were not selected, since she decided to keep the baby. Our second match was absolutely heart breaking. This time the birthmother selected us and not only was she very close to her due date, she was also expecting twins. We were extremely excited and started running around trying to get things ready for twins, which we were not totally not expecting. Then a couple of weeks before they were born she changed her mind and decided to keep the babies. This was an extremely traumatic experience, since we thought this match was the one and we opened our hearts to adopt twins. We have a blog post about the emotions we went through that you can read about.

After the second one, we did not see a potential match for months so we decided to open up our parameters a bit, which quickly opened up a third potential match. We were excited about this birth mother because she seemed like a good person trying to do the best for her child. For one week we waited anxiously to find out if she had selected us. We thought she was taking her time in her selection; however, our agency never told us what was actually going on. The birth mother wasn’t returning their phone calls because she was unsure about adoption. She saw the family profiles the agency presented her and it freaked her out; probably seeing the profiles made it seem more real to her and she realized she wasn’t ready. The social worker told us that her case is on hold and the last we heard the agency said that she was not ready to give her child up and will most likely keep him.

With three out of three potential matches resulting in parents choosing to parent, I decided to do some research. I found an article in Adoptive Families Magazine, which provides a summary of the Adoption Factbook V published by the National Council For Adoption. The article highlights the fact that the number of successful adoptions in the US has declined steadily since 1992 when 26,672 adoptions were identified to 18,078 in 2007 when the last study was published. The article lists the reasons for this to be related to the increase in the social acceptance of single motherhood and a higher number of unmarried mothers in their 20’s rather than their teens.

When we set out on this adoption, we were hopeful that the adoption would go quickly and smoothly, but now we find ourselves at a point where we are feeling unsure about the whole process and are starting to doubt domestic adoption. We are having such a hard time with this process and it feels as though none of our friends and family can relate to the emotions we are going through and we are finding it difficult to find comfort in their advice. We’ve had to cope with our infertility for several years and it still hurts to see all our friends having kids while we cannot and our adoption efforts have been unsuccessful thus far. We feel helpless at times and we are exhausted by the emotional roller coaster. We are finding it difficult to feel enthusiastic about another match, but we are trying hard to keep our spirits high and our thoughts positive. Even though it is difficult to keep finding the strength to move forward, when every potential match is wearing us down, we must remind ourselves that one day there will be a baby out there that will need us to be there for him/her. When that time comes we will be ready to welcome him/her into our hearts.